Anti-Hero

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me," said Taylor Swift in her song "Anti-Hero".

When I first heard the song, I thought, "Why would she be such a 'pick-me' girl and blame herself like that?" then I realized that Taylor probably just finally grew up, like the rest of us.

You know when you used to believe in something growing up, but then your view gets wider, you get to know more people, and you are finally faced with a situation that challenges you to re-think all your beliefs since childhood - I call it adulthood. 

I never knew that adulting means you have to understand the borderline, all the time. You have to be confident, but too much confidence is toxic. You have to be kind, but too kind makes people abuse you, you have to be smart, but you can't be sneaky. You must be forgiving, but being too forgiving makes people exploit you. You have to love, but too much love will kill you. Don't be too hard on yourself, but also don't feel entitled. Of course, humans are having difficulties balancing it all, although we understand the borderline, and it's perfectly fine - because aren't we all just a compilation of our good and bad decisions?

Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on myself - the way I tend to be so judgmental towards my own thoughts, my words, and my actions (believe me, I'm having a battle in my mind every damn minute). I am (definitely) my own biggest critic. 

Growing up, I used to be so unconfident and scared to voice out my thoughts, then it got better in college because I was an active student who was involved in a lot of student organizations (I think this helped me gain confidence a lot). But then, I think I learned it the hard way in my mid-20s, being too outspoken, especially for a woman, is not easy everywhere.  Some people got hurt by my honesty, and some people got outraged. Some people misunderstood what I said for something worse, some people even twisted it into something worse. I used to justify myself by saying, "But I'm telling the truth." From being an unconfident kid to an outspoken woman, I learned the hard way that not everyone is going to be pleased with my opinion, even though I meant well.

Passed 25 and now pushing 30 -- I think I have become quieter than ever. I learned to organize my thoughts only in my thoughts, I'm no longer telling people how I think or feel about something when they don't ask, and when they do ask -- I learned to answer it very vaguely or diplomatically, not showing my emotions. 

I learned to make decisions only by myself, I avoid discussions or any conversations that could lead people to judge me. Also, so I could only blame myself when something bad happened from my decisions. Only for a few (very few) cases, do I look for a second opinion from the people I trust.

I don't know if it's wiser or turns out that I'm just being unhealthier inside. Sometimes it becomes such a bad habit because now I'm having difficulties being vulnerable, even to myself. I have become too afraid to be expressive, be it happiness or sadness. I also hate to process grief, because although it's necessary (I know it by heart), I always find it hard to get away with it later on.

Now it looks like I have to work on it first before getting involved in any kind of relationship, and I know it. Maybe in every relationship failure I encountered all these years, it's not their fault, but mine. The problem is not with them but with me. I'm the one who put expectations too much and got hurt. Maybe this is the time for me to finally embrace Taylor Swift's song wholeheartedly. Because after all this time, maybe it's me, I'm the problem, it's me.

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