you are what you SAY you are.

"Cause you can climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea. All you need is the will to want it and a little self-esteem." - Keep the Faith, Michael Jackson

Photo by Coleman Glover on Unsplash

My Dearest Readers,

It's almost August 2024, meaning-- we are halfway through the year. So many things have happened and have yet to happen at the same time, but since new year is still five months away, I think we still can hope to check our list this year. To be honest, my checklist every year is pretty close to hoping to be just happy and healthy, which-- although it sounds simple, it is always the hardest to get. Human beings are very complicated, indeed. We tend to overlook the simplest joys that happen every day in our daily lives but worry over things that have not happened yet.

I was cleaning up my personal emails last night when I found my email to one of my closest pen pal whom I wrote the last time eight months ago. I told her that one of my biggest challenges last year was forgiving myself for some decisions I made. Although I tried to make peace with it (I have to, because it's in the past and I can't change it anyway), I'm here, still grappling with the same issues half through the year.

One of the craziest things about being an adult is to consciously and responsibly make decisions, at least for yourself. And while I'm having a hard time with it, time flies like no mercy, suddenly I'm about to turn 30, and the world doesn't seem to be 'forgiving' anymore. Suddenly I feel the urge to be able to decide what's right, to know the risk, to think strategically, to be able to picture the future 10 years ahead if I'm ever going to decide something. And every time I do it, it's a torture.

At first, I learned how to make strategic decisions at work when they promoted me to a senior (it sounded cool until I knew I couldn't rely so much on my manager for some things, I have to learn to decide myself). But then, making strategic decisions also applies in our daily lives, how are we going to commute to work, when is the better day to schedule a doctor appointment, when to plan a holiday, which one is cheaper-- weekly groceries or monthly groceries, and the list goes on and on. Then I realized that adult life is just about making decisions from the time we wake up until we rest our eyes at night. In the middle of that, we grapple with stress and anxiety, questioning "what ifs" we make bad decisions.

However, the more I overthink about it, the more it gives me no solutions. We, humans, are just trying to decide what we think or feel is right at a certain time, depending on the situation. In the end, there are things we can't control, and unfortunately, we are usually most anxious about the impact and people's reactions.

In all honesty, I spent my time mostly worrying about things rather than enjoying them for the past year. One thing that I particularly regret was my trip to Bali the last time because it was when my anxiety was at the peak and I wasn't even feeling well throughout the trip. It was fun, but mentally I wasn't there. Another proof that although money can buy the fun, it can't buy happiness for a lifetime.

Of course, I'm fully aware that there are people who are less fortunate than me. I think it's about time that people must understand that being mentally unstable has nothing to do with being ungrateful. It's like we are constantly, desperately searching for something to hold on to, even when there is light. For years, maybe I have been gaslighting myself, telling myself I'm just being weak, my faith is weak, when in fact, all I need is admitting all along that it's okay to feel those things. It's okay to not know what's going to happen next, it's okay to let go of what's not in my control. My feelings are valid, It's always been.

It's probably hard for people to believe, but I'm a firm believer in positive affirmations and the power of mind. If I look back on some lowest days in my life, what has been the most empowering for me was the times when I broke down on the floor, crying, and telling myself "The sun will rise, tomorrow will come", when it doesn't seem like there will be tomorrow at all.

I don't know if tomorrow is going to be okay or not, but it will be there. Whatever happens, myself in the future will have the strength to overcome it. For now, I can just breathe and survive today. 

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I'm not a very religious person, but I would like to end this with some verses from the bible that (somehow) strengthen me:

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take." - Proverbs 3:5-6

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what you're holding on to? what has given you joy lately?

Love,
Ruth